People like to come up with theories to match their experiences, even if doing so means ignoring big chunks of information.
Thought 1 As Dan Savage once described on his podcast, about half of people who are into spanking will say, “I was spanked as a child, so that’s why it turns me on to be spanked.” The other half say, “I was never spanked when I was a child, so subconsciously I always craved that kind of attention and now I’m aroused by spanking.” Sexuality is manifested in so many ways, probably as many as there are different personalities. My theory is that for some people, specific moments trigger specific kinks. For most of us, though, it’s more complicated than that.
Just like normalcy, what’s abnormal is a cultural construct. Working in a professional dungeon atmosphere makes this obvious, when certain things are customary that wouldn’t be in other jobs (nudity in the office, for one, or having time taken up at staff meetings to discuss protocol for cleaning lube off the furniture). One of the things I’m most grateful for to the BDSM communities I’ve been part of over the years is showing me something of the active creation of culture in opposition to religious or political values that don’t work for us. At its best, dungeon culture prioritises acceptance of all people, feminine power, technical skill, beauty, and pleasure. These are values we choose to assert. It is possible to create a new culture around chosen values. It takes a community with a vision and the willingness to step outside of the restrictions of the dominant society.
Thought 3 A good age to stop playing Play is how we learn. One of the many job perks of a dominatrix is the opportunity to embody different archetypes, to be spontaneous, to react to and lead another mind and body in a new direction. A good session is a gorgeous dance, and a good dominatrix can lead with a spirit of fluidity. I hope I never stop playing for its own sake. Life would be mind-numbing if I didn’t get out of my head sometimes, to explore it with a fresh perspective, and to enjoy my partner in the moment. Thought 4 A lot of the stuff I learned as a dominatrix isn’t generalisable outside of the dungeon—like how to make shoes smell more like feet, or what kind of champagne makes the best enema. But so much of it is generalisable. Working in dungeons allowed me to really get hands-on with people, to explore how to relate with them in all kinds of ways, and to play in the world at its edge.
Keep in mind I am the Dungeon Mistress and if you continue to annoy me I may have to punish severly. What we