Relationships, like produce, milk and reality television stars, have a shelf life. Most couples find that after a few weeks, months, or years, the lustre fades and the initial carnal fury that brought them together has dissipated. The mouldy codgers who get past this sexual brick wall do so by developing an elaborate series of coping mechanisms.
Infidelity is common in scenarios where one or both sexual partners become fed up with plain vanilla missionary. Sometimes, the couple just resigns themselves to erotic entropy, and embraces a sort of marital celibacy typified by the nightly ritual of reading magazines or ‘checking the scores on ESPN.’ In this instance, going to sleep unfulfilled is preferable to even trying.
For those of you out there who want to tell me how love can sustain itself over decades, allow me to offer you the following completely non-scientific statistical breakdown:
The goal of every human reading this article should be to get in that 11% of the globe that either finds a soulmate or fucks a never ending series of holes with verve and vigour.
The easiest way to go about joining the 11 percent is through the back door. Anal sex is the first stop on the Save My Relationship World Tour
On more than one occasion, a woman has asked me if I wanted to do butt stuff when it became clear that coitus wasn’t cutting it anymore. Ass play is a logical next step in a male/female sexual relationship. It’s taboo it’s still kind of like standard heterosexual fucking since it’s also about putting something inside a hole and most importantly, the difficulty level is high. Quality, efficient butt sex comes around about as often as the Aurora Borealis or a black Mormon.
Sometimes, when all hope seems to be lost and the world is shrouded in darkness, my female sexual partner will ask to give rather than receive. I am the sort of person who assumes that each girlfriend I have will be my last, so I do everything in my power to ensure that I don’t get dumped. I do laundry more frequently. I start cooking dinner. I forgo watching sporting events. I floss. I seriously consider putting things in my ass.____Butt stuff takes many forms. Some manouvers are more elaborate than others. All require a man far more coordinated than me to perform them successfully. ￼
The first time I had a finger in my ass was the last time I called 911 after having sex. No one is supposed to have a panic attack when making love, yet as soon as I felt a knuckle grazing my taint, I started to seize up. I survived, but my girlfriend’s finger did not come back from the journey unscathed. In order to better cope with ass play, I’ve taken to saying the alphabet backwards as a means of relaxation.
Ass licking is relatively unobtrusive, in that it does not include penetration. At the same time, it’s not actually that exciting. Anilingus is the cotton candy of ass play. It’s a novelty that’s fun once. In the autobiography of my asshole, titled What About My Sphincter? the chapter on ass licking will be the shortest
Any household object can become a sex toy. A TV remote control, a broomstick, a rolled up New Yorker magazine, a signed home run ball from Barry Bonds or a gerbil can hypothetically be inserted into an asshole. The pleasure here doesn’t necessarily come from the actual act of shoving something up your ass. It is derived from realising that you are clever enough to figure out how to get these myriad objects inside such a snug, small hole. This activity stimulates the same area of the brain that responds to crossword puzzles, Rubik’s cubes, Sudoku, and assembling IKEA furniture.
If you know what pegging is, you’ve probably pegged or been pegged before. In this scenario, a woman fucks a man with a strap on dildo. Rumour has it that pegging can be physically pleasurable for the woman due to the stimulation of the clitoris by the base of the dildo. I classify this as a rumour because no woman has ever admitted to me that this is true. Ladies, until you prove it to me in person, I just won’t believe it. ￼
If you have gotten to this stage with your girlfriend, it means you are too far gone to ever be happy again. You are only a step away from fucking a corpse at the scene of a car accident. Adding another person to a sexual fantasy is an admission that boredom has set in. Adding another person of the same sex means the new participant in the equation must look as different from your significant other as possible. Adding voyeurism on top of all that means you’d absolutely rather be watching porn than joining genitals with your partner.
or the record, I said no to this request from my girlfriend. A few weeks later, she dumped me, claiming that she felt a distance between us. I’m sure the distance would have been much less had I agreed to allow her to watch me get fucked by someone else.
Let this be a lesson to you. Relationships are about doing things you don’t want to do. Sometimes that means taking out the trash. It could also mean barebacking with a 43-year-old man named Clarence.
Mistress Kristina - Huddersfield Mistress